Ever since my break up of a five-year long relationship late last year that almost led me down the aisle, I neglected myself. I left my security, my home and moved back to the city with none other than a garbage bag of clothes and a pillow. I clutched onto my cell phone and called Jess to take me in for the next couple of months until I was back on my feet again. Through this time, I ate what was to me, dirty food everything from greasy fast food burgers to pizza. I stayed up late and neglected my yin which would normally function to nourish me. What was worse? I’m a practitioner…a Nutritionist shoveling dirty food to fill a new found void. On the flip side, I’m human and what most people considered as a strong woman. I tried to be mindful of my situation and that it was okay that I had slipped up, so long as I had learned from it.
I knew things were going to get better. Although I stayed with Jess for just under two months, I found a place along the Danforth with three other like-minded women. Yes, ladies, I decided to move into the Estrogen Den. And while four women in the same home sounds like countless mornings of waiting for the washroom, it somehow felt right. Not to mention, I was scouting out a job at the Big Carrot Dispensary which was not only a ten minute walk from me but also the perfect job while I was working towards my Doctorate in Chinese Medicine.
So slowly I picked myself up from the all too familiar take-out containers and decided to go to my favourite place – the Big Carrot. I made it a day for myself, an excursion of sorts and all for me. I went to the juice bar and picked up a love-my liver concoction drink which glowed bright green with wheatgrass and sweetened with a hint of apple. I soaked in the healthy vibe of women coming in with their yoga mats and thought, “I really need to start stretching again”. Mellow reggae beats hummed in the store and kept me and the head wrapped hippy staff bobbing our heads.
As I sat there, trying to ground myself, I remembered what a close friend had told me, “The three most stressful events that someone can go through are buying a house, divorce and death in the family.” I had gone through two out of the three. Although I hadn’t married, splitting furniture and finances were enough to consider it a divorce. This type of stress was a total blow to my heart and in Chinese Medicine, other organs will lack the fire and strength they need. Our spleen which governs our digestive system becomes impaired causing us to crave refined, fatty foods. Our liver becomes impaired causing us to feel frustrated, angry and resentful. In this specific scenario for me, it all began with my heart. I had disturbed sleep, night sweats and heart palpitations for the first time ever. So with all this going on, I decided to start the healing process, all with the little help of food.
Part of the new support group that I begun to form was to help my spleen and my liver. I wanted to calm my spleen of the worry that plagued me of the new future that awaited me. Would I ever find someone who could fuel me with passion over the long haul? Or was I simply too picky? I wanted to resolve the anger and frustration that I was inundated with. I couldn’t believe I spent five years of my life with someone who in the end, didn’t even care to fight for us.
Now much of the foods that help both of these organs are quite similar in many ways. They were clean, unrefined and nourishing. So I made a list – a practice that we A-type Virgo personalities love as it brings about a sense of structure that somehow comforts us. I was determined to prepare my medicinal dish for that evening to get me off to a good start. Because when it came down to it, all it takes is that first step, which for most of us, is the hardest. I certainly didn’t have the energy to make anything extravagant, like I once was known for doing, so I decided to make an all-in-one dish.
New Beginnings Greens & Pasta
2 good handfuls arugula
1 good handful of penne
3-4 carrots julienne
4 sun-dried tomatoes re-hydrated and finely chopped
½ onion chopped
4 large cloves garlic minced
Handful walnuts
1 tbsp of goat cheese crumbled
Small handful roughly chopped parsley
1 tbsp olive oil
Salt & pepper to taste
In a large pan or wok, sauté onions and garlic in olive oil until onions are caramelized. Add in carrots and sun-dried tomatoes on medium to high heat for 5 minutes and take off the heat.
In a separate pot, bring a pot of water to a boil and add pasta. Cook for 8 minutes until al dente.
Remove, strain and run cold water to pasta. Add pasta to wok.
Sauté items together along with walnuts and season with salt and pepper to taste.
Crumble goat cheese and sprinkle on top.
Stir in fresh parsley and toss lightly.
That day, I carefully bought my groceries inspecting them carefully based on the great care and love as I once did. I remembered how therapeutic this once was, how much it fueled and nourished my shen, the heart’s spirit. Because when it comes down to it, cooking is form of art, nourishment and self-love, which is exactly what I needed.
The main ingredient to this dish was to intentionally add more arugula than carb-rich pasta because our livers love foods which are green in colour. More often then not we typically load up on the carbs and neglect the greens. Greens help us to removes liver qi stagnation which is stuck energy resulting in frustration and agitation. When we repress these feelings we’re going through without the ability to transform them, depression results. Depression in essence, is simply anger turned inwards. For weeks and months following the separation, I had a mixed bag of emotions, but remembered not wanting to get out of bed and feeling resentful all in one. Most people around me only saw me all smiles saying, “Wow Mel, you’re doing great considering.” However, those who knew me well knew that I was putting on my best stiff upper lip and trying to ignore my feelings and hide behind the façade of what they thought to be a strong person. What I needed most was to surround myself not only with people I loved, but good, quality food that I loved. I simply couldn’t be alone. Not after five birthdays, five Thanksgivings, five New Years and so on…
As part of my support group, I wanted to include carrots, or philon which in ancient Greek, comes from the word, “love” and was considered an aphrodisiac. While I must admit, that rolling around the sheets did sound tempting, I not only didn’t have anyone but knew it was probably the wrong route to take. So I could begin by loving myself with dishes which included these orange stalks of goodness which not only support the lungs, but also the spleen and liver.
Lastly, I have to make a note on onions and garlic. Growing up in a Brazilian household, I’d walk out of the home smelling like them because dishes always began with them. They’re pungent foods, expansive in nature and help us out from being stuck in a rut. So what better food to add to my repertoire?
Now, I’m not saying that this dish cured me of my heartache. I was still healing for weeks and months after, but felt that I was able to facilitate the process by eating wholesome clean foods. Processed, refined foods on the other hand are damp-forming in the body. This means they create a swamp-like environment that weighs us down both physically and emotionally. We don’t have the ability to think clearly and generally we feel heavy and lethargic and to be honest, I was tired of feeling weighed down. I had felt that way for five years that I certainly wasn’t about to do it for another five.
So I sat there in the Estrogen Den about to eat, when Sarah, one of my roomies came home. Now you have to understand I really wanted them all to like me. So I did what I knew best…I offered her food. With a warm smile, she accepted, sat across the kitchen table from me and asked me how my day was. I smiled and immediately felt at home.
While I thought I’d be alone, I soon realized that I wasn’t. I had created the start of a network of women around me that I had abandoned long ago. Plus, I had my food. Breaking habits meant that I was giving myself the ability to let go and start something new.
This was the start of my new life.
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