Battle of the Sexes

While the summer days have been a scorcher, the nights have been quite amazing. So when I was invited over to a guy friend's backyard for drinks, I kindly accepted. Now I have to preface this and let you know that we have been friends and nothing but since we've met. So you'll be able to understand me when I say that I was mortified when he leaned in and kissed me after some of the other party guests had left. Shocked I sat there frozen looking at him in disbelief thinking...

Did you just do what I think you did?

He looked at me with a smirk and whispered...I bet you like to be spanked.

[Freeze frame]

I understand I talk about sex, love and food more than most people, but that doesn't mean that telling me that you want to spank, lick or suck my toes is anything that will remotely get me. Feeling an immediate wave of nausea with this supposed male friend of mine who clearly overstepped his boundaries, I had several options available to me.

1) I could slap him.
2) I could freak out on him and ask him what the hell he was thinking...I thought we were friends.
3) I could make an excuse for why I had to leave and never see Mr. Potty Mouth again.

Please note: The option of continuing to kiss him is not available in the selection above.

[Unfreeze frame]

I immediately got up from my seat, stuttered through my excuse, went to grab my purse off the table which fell...along with all the contents in it.

Okay, so maybe that didn't go as graceful as I would have hoped.

Picking up my mascara, eye liner, wallet and Diva cup (thankfully still in it's drawstring bag), I made my way out faster than he could say spank. Thankfully, that was the last time I ever spoke or saw Mr. Potty Mouth again.

This whole situation made me analyze the differences between men and women. This my friends is called: The Battle of the Sexes.

Please bare in mind that this is a generalized viewpoint between the sexes, but I thought I'd share it nonetheless...

BATTLE OF THE SEXES - Just So You Know...

Interest in the opposite sex
Men: Either they'll beat around the bush, ask you out, or go in for the jugular (please refer to the story above for reference). Some of them get intimidated by strong women and will either be nervous to approach you or back off if you move in too quickly. So men, when approaching a woman, please don't say what you think we want to hear, we know you're not into say, the ballet.
Women: We'll make sure we look good on all the days we know you'll be around, flirt and send you cutsie facebook, twitter or text messages. Some of us will throw all rules out the window and ask you out. (I on the other hand, prefer to leave that ball in the man's court). When approaching a man, learn when to shut up and not ramble on all about yourself. Breathe...

Sex
Men: Some can be quite adventurous and figure that pretzel shaped positions get us off. Some men are about several inches away from our actual bang for the buck, while others use porn as their guide. Many men will consistently try to get you on top - which could either be out of pure visual stimulation or flat out laziness.

Women: Some of us can be quite adventurous and take control in the bedroom. Many of us are quite misunderstood when men bring out the candles when all we want is primal sex. While porn can be fun for some, we also laugh at how the women in those films begin moaning so quickly...the gig's up...they're faking guys. Despite what men think, we actually don't care to have sex for hours...but prefer it to last more than minutes. Some women may consistently try to get the man on top - either because some can get off easier this way, or they're flat out lazy.

Under garments
Men: Boxer or briefs? The never ending saga. Some of you prefer the boxers and others feel more compelled towards briefs. Labels will be stretched against a tight mid-section, or for others your mid-section will hang over the label like a droopy puppy. And if you don't know already, bikini underwear or patterns like shamrocks and smiley faces on your boxers are not sexy. We notice your underwear subliminally and would prefer that you know how to use a washing machine or a garbage can for the Holy underwears when needed.

Lastly, I have to mention t-shirts under your dress shirts. Big no-no but some of you still do it. Excuse me gentlemen, but just so you know...this can be considered as the male panty line.

Women: We seem to have a lot more options from thongs to Brazil cut (my personal favourite). Not all of us actually find thongs and g-strings comfortable but will conveniently wear it on the days we see you. Some of us love commando. But ladies, men do take notice to your bra and panty set. In my opinion they don't have to match completely but they have to work somewhat. Also, if you're sewing them up, chuck them out. If your nipples are coming out to say hello or your bra is suffocating your girls, it's time to size up. Lastly, it all comes down to you first. Once you begin to feel sexy in what you're wearing, you'll exude that energy and multiply the sexiness in your outfit...that way, everyone wins.

Food & Our Bodies
Men: The idea that you need to gorge yourself with food or eat a steak bigger than your head is completely inaccurate. Your kidneys suffer as a result of too much protein in one sitting and you're actually not absorbing as much as you'd like to believe. The idea that all women want a huge man filled with muscles is false, but we do appreciate if you take care of yourself and not live off of fast food and other crap. If we have to take care of ourselves and look reasonably sexy, so do you.

Women: The appetite has become a voice for both sexes but is disporportionately skewed towards women in this day in age. As human beings we have strayed farther from food being a biological tool but rather an emotional instrument. Our ideas of balance have been completely thrown off by what is good and what's bad for us and many of us feel guilty when we cheat. We therefore find ourselves believing that self-deprivation and eating like a bird is the way to go. Eating tiny amounts of food and ordering simply the salad at dinner is not sexy. Read, educate, see a practitioner and learn how to find balance and love within your food and you will find it within yourself.

Which brings me to something that I have at least once a day that I love. My green shake. Yes, I'm sure many of you will scoff or shutter at the idea, but it tastes amazing and it gives me an incredible amount of energy in the mornings or mid-afternoon when I'm fading. After having these for a while over the last couple of months, my eyes are clearer, my skin looks better and I feel more vital, lighter and sexy. Yes, mama was right when she said eat your greens.

SEXY SUPERFOOD GREEN TROPICAL SHAKE
1 scoop Vega Smoothie Infusion
1 tbsp spirulina
1/2 cup coconut water
1/2 cup spring or distilled water
3-4 pineapple chunks
1 tbsp flax, hemp or Vega's Antioxidant EFA Oil Blend
1 tsp ground chia or flaxseed

Put all ingredients together and pulse together in either a VitaMix or a handblender. Drink & Enjoy.

The one thing I do have to say when it comes to smoothies is never, ever put ice cubes in your shakes. In Chinese Medicine, they say that the stomach has a major aversion to cold. In essence, it weakens our stomach fire and our digestive capability so you want to avoid cold drinks whenever possible. Next, if you are prone to candida type yeast infections (also known as dampness in the lower jiao in Chinese Medicine), you want to avoid using spirulina which can be too cooling on our lower half. So instead, you can substitute with a blue green algae like E3 Live which actually helps candida/dampness. Truthfully though, this drink doesn't even need the spirulina. The Vega Smoothie Fusion alone is a super protein and greens blend with more protein than two large eggs, more fibre than two slices of whole wheat toast and more omega 6 than 6oz serving of salmon. But I suppose that's just me...I like to crank it up when I can...

As for the Battle of the Sexes. We both need to understand that we're wired differently. We can't come to the conclusion that all men are shit or that all women are crazy. Instead, allowing ourselves to gain some perspective about the opposite sex by stepping back is usually the best way to go. Otherwise as women, we tend to overthink it and drive ourselves mad while men at times simply don't think.

Spanking...case and point.

Which in that case, I do believe that by walking away from a very disturbing Mr. Potty Mouth, I, the woman, certainly came out on top.