Sexy Food Therapy: Shut Up

Seriously, please shut up.

There as I lay in shavasna I'm riddled with a mind that won't shut up. It just won't turn off. I can't focus, my breathing is shallow and I can hardly make it to inhalation count #6. I'm getting antsy. For the last two days I've been asked to set my intention for my practice and all that keeps coming up is letting go of fear and insecurity. Somehow I need to master my mind and my mind is getting in the way of everything, even my morning yoga classes. We're asked to transition into the plank position for a count of five.

Five seconds? Five breaths? Five minutes? Are you kidding? This is crazy...

[Body goes into hydrolic mode]

Stop this Melissa. Go into child's pose, this is too much, you just can't do it. You're not strong enough.

I battle it out and I hold it and almost collapse as I transition.

We're asked to go into Warrior 1. I stretch out my arms in front of me and look beyond my finger tips at a speck on the wall and try to concentrate.

[Hydrolic Mode]

Melissa, your legs are hurting. Just go into child's pose, this is too much. You can't do it. You're just not strong enough.

You are a warrior, we're told by the instructor. A warrior princess.

Damn straight I'm a princess! I'm a warrior princess!

Once again I battle it out with my mind and realize, I can do this. In fact, my body already is.

The afternoon approaches and the quiet medieval village only makes it easier for me to hear my mind. How about if life doesn't get better than this last year?

I realized, I need to get away from these thoughts. Storming into the little main office, I pick up a deck of divination cards that sits neatly on the counter. Closing my eyes, I ask for guidance for the future.

"Overcoming Difficulties: The worst is now behind you and you are surmounting any previous challenges."

My mind is temporarly quiet as hope appears.

So I decided to book a session with Katrina a healer here at the retreat. Through various techniques, emotion coursed through me and explodes into tears that have otherwise been surpressed for the last couple months. I was confronted by fears that smacked me in the face and there in a little room lit with candles and smells of citrus oil, my kidneys began to ache. Shifting on the table, I knew, fear is rooted in the kidneys and it was struggling to hold on.

I can't say it left or that it ever will completely, but I certainly have the tools how to personally deal with it. Fear is in all of us...whether we're good enough, pretty enough or smart enough. It just depends on what degree. So with every negative thought, creates emotion, which creates action, then a result. Perspective is lost easily and gained throughout our lives, in different times, through different people when we need it the most.

I walked out feeling lifted and stumbled in a daze back to my flat overlooking the hills.

I'm hungry, said my stomach, my second brain.

And rather than feeling the pressure to find the best pasta in Italy, all I wanted was greens, but was too tired to make anything. Arriving, I was greeted to the Actress from Australia, my sunny housemate.

How'd it go love?

Intense and I'm hungry but I don't have a lick of energy to search out food. But I have to tell you, I miss my greens.

Perfect. I have just that. Sit and relax Mel, it's been a long day for you. I've made dinner.

And with that, I gobbled down a mixed green salad with tuna, mixed veggies and bococcini cheese that she had made. No it wasn't a classic Italian dish, but the greens fueled previous frustration of myself and the company was golden. Together we sat on the porch, watched the sun set and there, my fears were haulted and my heart opened.

Finally I was able to have a moment without my mind's opinions and judgements and held onto the tools and perspective given in that session. I allowed myself to be still and together my sunny Aussie friend and I sipped on some wine, stared at the view and heared nothing but the gentle breeze washing over the hills.