During a play that I was invited to in the city, I met Chef. He was different then most men I had met up until this point. He was well traveled, lived an adventurous life, secure and older…almost twenty years older actually. Being a roadie chef for high profile celebrity rock bands, he was only in town for less than a week. I was a little put back by his age and my current single situation that I decided to take things slow and took down his e-mail so that we could remain connected through his travels. And so we did. We wrote several times a day, with e-mails becoming more intense as time went on. Next thing I knew I was being flown out to Winnipeg during one of tour’s gigs, and now Colorado.
As a Virgo, I wanted to understand where this was going, plan it all out and ask him for his expectations. I quickly learned the difference between expectation and intention. It wasn’t fair to ask him (or myself for that matter) of his expectations. After all, we were still getting to know one another. I could, on the other hand, ask him (and myself) what his intentions were. We both quickly realized that we had to make this as organic as possible, to be open and see where this journey might take us. This was hard for me at first, but I’m soon realizing that maybe this is for the best.
One night, I found myself questioning the feelings that were coming up during the course of our e-mail relationship. Having limited contact I was beginning to feel neglected and depressed. This feeling that was coming to surface, wasn’t new. In fact, I began to notice a pattern and saw that it was always there. Even through my five-year long relationship, I felt alone. Never truly being happy and feeling like I was missing out on something and the major cause of it was my relationship. That night, I had a major ah ha.
It’s always easy to blame others, but truly I had to take a hard look at myself and realize that it was me…it always had been. The whole time, I realized that I was unhappy with myself and where I was in my life…I wanted more for myself. Why was I defining my happiness based on the relationships I had with men? Wasn’t I trying to prove to myself that I could stand on my own two feet without a man to help me through?
Spending time with the Chef (mostly via e-mail) began to reveal the lessons the universe was giving me. I needed to focus on me and not be so concentrated on the idea of “us” whether it was with him or with someone else. For the first time I spent time looking inwards, truly asking myself what I wanted from and for myself. The Chef’s e-mail sign offs always ended off by saying things like, “Be great today” or “Do good stuff”. Was I really doing this, versus simply going through the motions?
Being day 3 of soaking up the essence of the mountains here in Colorado, I've made sure that my morning’s breakfast (our foundation for the day) has been grounding. Millet and quinoa (pronounced, KEEN-WA) has been a favourite grain of mine ever since 2 years ago when I woke up one day not being able to eat any gluten containing grains. Gluten acts like a glue that slows our digestive system down and those who have the inability to eat it, develop symptoms anywhere from acne, weight gain, depression and most commonly, digestive issues. Ever since rounds of Chinese herbs, I have recently in the last six months been able to eat gluten again, but limit it dramatically from my diet. Grains are earthy, and nourish our root chakra and spleen, which in Chinese Medicine plays a major role in digestion. In essence, grains provide us with a base to live from. Porridges historically have been slow cooked, which makes digestion easy. Traditionally according to TCM, our spleen is the strongest during the hours of 9-11am, which is the window of when we should eat breakfast.
Spiced Apple Millet Porridge with Granola
2 cups water
1 cup millet
1 organic apple thinly sliced (or shredded)
1 tbsp organic butter
1/2 tsp of each spice (cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg)
Pinch salt
Agave nectar, honey or stevia (as needed)
Granola topping of your choice
Melt butter in a pot and add dry millet. Stir for several minutes. This helps to reduce the acidity of the grain.
Add in water, stir and toss in spices, apples and salt.
Bring water to a boil and cover reducing heat to medium low.
Continue to cook for 10-15 minutes, checking to make sure if more water is needed.
Cook until grain softens and add sweetener of your choice.
While the Chef devoured his eggs, I savoured my porridge trying to ground myself in unfamiliar surroundings and in a situation that was all too new. Being up here has been humbling, exciting and nourishing. It has also brought some doubts over what the Chef and I have and has forced me to concentrate on myself once again. He has the ability to live independently and has seized his solitude at every waking moment. Question is will he ever have the ability to share his space since it has been relatively foreign for him for some time? Is it truly possible to let this unfold organically without holding out some hopes for some sort of possible outcome?
I can’t say I have an answer, but as I sit here in solitude in a large wooden swing overlooking the Colorado mountains as he runs some errands in town, I have to stop and remind myself: Stop looking outward for happiness, when the light truly shines the brightest inside of us. We are all perfect even in our own imperfections. His very same independence that I feel intimidated by has provided me with a space to get to know who I am. Somehow, I am learning to separate myself from expectations that maybe only my ego is holding onto. Only time will tell how this will unfold. For now I am using my food as always to help me find balance. In order to find myself, to be introspective, my food must reflect the same properties. To do my best and not overindulge in sweet foods or wine that are expansive bringing our spirits up versus grounding us.
I am slowly realizing a hard lesson. The love that I have been looking for all this time has been somewhat of a delusion or smoke in mirrors. The true love I am looking for really is the simplicity and comfort that I can only provide myself with. No matter how this situation with the Chef reveals itself, the lesson I am walking away with is undeniably powerful.
I am blessed.
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