Can You Attain Closure with Revenge?

After two dates with Mr. Director, I was beginning to feel like there was potential. So I did the best thing I knew how to do, I decided it was time to make him dinner for our third date. Plus we had a "sleepover"...hey, third date rule, right? With no awkward moments the morning after, it all seemed filled with promise. However, as the days went on, I hardly heard from Mr. Director and it made me wonder, have I been played? So after some investigating (which hold your horses, I'll get into in just a sec), I realized I had been. With residual anger left to make me think of every possible way of how to quash this player's ego for making me question my own self worth, I concocted my own recipe for what I call, a decadent revenge. So I have to ask, can closure truly be achieved with revenge?

Now many of you might not agree with my approach. Some would say that it's childish, an action stemming from insecurity or that I stooped down to his level. But truth be told, I needed to wipe my hands clean of the dirt named Michael and allow him to feel like an idiot...even if it was for just a second. So I suppose we all have our own way of carrying our bags and letting go of them.

The investigation began with over a week of no response. Granted, Mr. Director was in Vancouver on his latest filming gig, however a simple e-mail saying, "thinking of you" would have been the thoughtful thing to do. Now I realize I might be acting a little dramatic, but my gut sank as I began to really question Mr. Director turned Wolf's motives. So I did something I've never done before...I tested the waters and set up an alias online. A photoless Jessika sent Mr. Director a quick message online hoping to peak his interest. I felt silly and overly paranoid about the situation until I realized that after two days of not checking the alias' account, that the Wolf took the bait:

"Single, attractive, determined, intelligent man seeks twin...know of anyone?"

At that very moment, I shat out my heart. I remembered asking the Wolf if he was looking for something casual or to date around, but time and time again, I was told, "I don't like to jump from girl to girl...not my style. I have no time to date other women. I'm looking for depth Melissa."

Two days later, when not hearing from the alias, the Wolf sent yet another message:

"Hey, trying to get a hold of you...been really busy here filming three jobs..."

By this point I was seething. He didn't have the time to write a quick one liner from Vancouver to me, but had all the time in the world to write long messages to a woman he hadn't even seen a photo of? How about if she was 400 pounds with moles spewing of facial hair? I quickly realized that this was a man that was looking to sew his wild oats...even at almost 40 years old. Maybe my friends were right when they said if a man is still single at 40, then there's usually a reason for it. Nonetheless I couldn't believe how I had been deceived and said to Gail:

"God! I feel so stupid for not seeing through this!"

Which then she quickly replied with:

"Oh no...don't you do this to yourself...this isn't your bag Melissa. It's Michael's and you're giving him all the power by eliminating yours. Don't give him that."

God I love my friends.

So after finding out the dirt, Gail grabbed my arm and swiftly told me we were heading out for a drink. Rescuing me from my anger, we trekked over to Cabbagetown, ordered a glass of wine at the Coburg and I slowly began to decompress. Feeling a little loopy, we stumbled back to her place and Gail did the one thing that made my heart melt. She turned around with a piece of the Chicken Lasagna Love that I made for her and wrapped it in tin foil. Right there I knew, she was offering me love and nourishment to feed my soul just as I had once done for her when she was in a time of need.

Did I mention I love my friends?

So without further adieu, here's a little piece of love that nourished me when I needed it most:

CHICKEN LASAGNA LOVE RECIPE

Adapted from Emeril Lagase's Chicken, Mushroom & Spinach recipe

7 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted organic butter
1 pound button mushrooms, thinly sliced
1 cup finely chopped red onion
5 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 cup brown rice flour
7 cups whole organic milk
2 teaspoons sea salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1 pound kale, stemmed, washed and finely chopped
3 cups grated organic Parmesan
1 tbsp organic butter, plus more for coating casserole dish
2 pounds boneless naturally-raised/organic skinless chicken breast
2 tablespoon sexy creole seasoning, recipe follows
1 package brown rice lasagna noodles
1 tablespoon organic butter, cut into 8 pieces

Directions
Melt the butter in a large saucepan over medium heat.

Add onions and garlic to butter and saute for about 3-4 minutes.

Cook mushrooms in butter, stirring until the mushrooms are browned and liquid has evaporated - around 5 minutes.

Add the brown rice flour, stirring with a wooden spoon to make a roux for about 2 minutes. Whisking constantly, slowly add the milk and stir occasionally until thickened, about 5 minutes. Add 1 1/2 teaspoons of the salt, pepper, nutmeg, kale and 1 1/2 cups of the Parmesan and cook, stirring, until thickened, about 5-7 minutes.

Remove from the heat and cover until you are ready to assemble the lasagna.
Set a large, 12-inch saute pan over medium heat and add organic butter.

Season the chicken with the Sexy Creole Seasoning and remaining 1/2 teaspoon of sea salt and place in the hot pan. Sear the chicken, making sure to stir from time to time, until it is golden brown and cooked through, about 4 to 5 minutes. Set on a plate and when cool, cut into bite size pieces.
In the meantime, preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.
Coat a 9 by 13 by 3-inch casserole with butter, and pour out 1/2 cup of the bechamel sauce to cover the bottom of the dish. Place 3 sheets of pasta across the bottom of the dish and spread 3/4 cup of the bechamel sauce over the pasta. Put about a 1/4 of the chicken over the bechamel sauce, then add 1/4 cup of the remaining Parmesan. Place another 3 sheets of pasta over the chicken. Repeat 2 additional times with the remaining bechamel sauce, chicken, Parmesan, and pasta, ending with a layer of pasta covered with bechamel sauce. Sprinkle the remaining 1/2 cup of Parmesan over the bechamel sauce and scatter the butter pieces over the top. Place the casserole on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet and bake, uncovered, until bubbly and well browned, about 45 minutes. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for at least 20 minutes before serving.
Note: You may need slightly less than the entire package of lasagna noodles, depending on the pan used for the casserole. Also, you may be able to fit more than 3 pieces of pasta in each layer, depending. The pasta can be broken into smaller pieces to fill in the gaps.

SEXY CREOLE SEASONING:

(place all ingredients into a small mason jar and shake until blended)
3 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons sea salt salt
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 tablespoon black pepper
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dried thyme

2 teaspoons basil leaves

1 teaspoon cumin powder

Granted, this recipe isn't something that should be eaten every day. I made this decadent recipe up for Gail as she was working through moving into and renovating her new place. In my opinion, if you can be good 80% of the time, you can afford to enjoy the bad little pleasures in life 20% of the time. Not to mention, I have changed Emeril's recipe around. For example, I've subsituted regular lasagna noodles with brown rice ones. I find that no one can ever tell the difference, it's easier to digest and I don't feel like taking a nap after I eat it. Instead of spinach, I've added in kale which has more bioavailable nutrients than it's green counterpart. He's also used olive oil to saute the chicken and coat the pan, but in higher temperatures, olive oil should not be used since it can go rancid. So butter is the better option. Now I understand that most people fear butter and I fully get that this recipe is rich, but when it comes to lasagna, I'd rather go big or go home. Simply put. I'll leave being good for the other 5-6 days out of my week.

Now back to my story...

Since the night of our rendez-vous, I was left feeling rather tender. Thinking of every possible way to hurt the Wolf, I finally came up with something that made me giggle as horns began to slither through the strands of my brown hair. I decided that the Wolf should be set up on a date with the alias. After all, he was looking for his twin wasn't he? Now I know, why bother going through this trouble for the mud off your shoes? Some friends of mine told me to cut my losses, but I simply couldn't shake it. I needed to make him sit and wait just like I had done for the week following our encounter. After the Wolf gladly agreed to meet up with the alias at the farthest restaurant from his place (a good $30-$40 cab ride one way), I made sure to confirm the night before:

"Hey you, I might be running a couple minutes late. But could you be a darling and order us a bottle of red so that I have something waiting for me other than you?

Looking forward to meeting you..."

The night of the date I was in clinic with patients until about 8pm (an early night). Wrapping my head up and squinting my eyes from the raging snow storm that evening, I quickly darted and managed to catch the Spadina streetcar. Climbing up the steps, I slid into a seat in between two Oriental teen girls chatting on their trinket-laced cellphones with take out bags that filled the air with smells of Pho. With a grumbling, hungry tummy, I began to settle into my seat and pulled out my iPhone to realize that it was 8:15pm. If the Wolf was on time, he would have be sitting there for fifteen minutes already. But how could I know for sure that he showed up? Remembering that I had Cafe Pleiade's number in my phone from making the initial reservation, I decided to call:

"Cafe Pleiade, hello?"

"Hi, yes, my name is Jessika and I made a reservation this evening. I was just wondering if my date has shown up yet?"

"Oh yes, he has! Quite some time ago."

"Oh...could you just let him know that I'll be running a couple minutes late?"

"Sure, not a problem."

Hanging up, I sat back against my seat and smiled. I could just picture him sitting there at a table on his own waiting...without even the option to hide out at the bar (because of course Cafe Pleaide has no bar). The second I got home, I opened up my laptop, pulled up the alias' online Lava account and deleted it. There would be no way for him to ever contact the alias to ask what happened or to vent his frustrations after spending a near $100 on cab fare and wine (if he did in fact order it). Closing my laptop, I sat back smiled and took in a deep breath...

...closure at last.

Now maybe I should feel bad or realize that what I had done came from the very place of ego that he had worked from. I'm not recommending for others to follow the same method of madness, but I can tell you that it was my personal way of dealing with it. Other than writing here and updating the friends who knew about this plan, I have let it go. Now Michael or "EEKLECTIC" (his Lava name) might very well not have cared. He might have shrugged it off and moved on to take advantage of the next girl that typed his way. However, none of that mattered. This was MY way of gaining closure and satisfaction.

All of this madness and drama made me decide that it was enough to cancel my account online. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure love can be found through Internet dating, but through the several months that I attempted it, I felt that the pickings were pretty slim. There were men who loved to hear the sound of their own voice and those who couldn't find any words to put together. Some gave me hope as I realized that we shared commonalities like being perticular. However after further discussion, I realized that one man borderlined OCD as he knew exactly which black sock was for his right foot and which was for his left. I on the other hand, will be happy with a grey sock which somewhat resembles the faded black sock on the right...close enough, right? Then there were other times where I didn't know whether to feel bad or flattered after one date began to sweat...profusely. I know, this can all happen without online dating, but I think for now, I need to revert back to the old fashion way...and save my typing fingers for my blog and not my love life.

So when it comes to attaining closure, I am in no ways saying that revenge is best. What I am saying is to go out with style, don't look frantic or pathetic...although some of you may argue that my actions reflect that. Try to sit on the situation and let anger subside and allow your gut to guide your way, then make your decision. Listen to the advice of all your friends, but find what works best for you. In my case, I couldn't simply walk away after feeling like my ego had been slapped. But most importantly the one thing I realized is that all this drama could have been completely avoided had I just trusted my intuition...my gut.

So with sweetness in my belly, I can happily say that I have opened up the energies for a new chapter and gladly can say that the chapter of the man by the name of EEKLECTIC, Michael, Mr. Director or my favourite, the Wolf, is thankfully closed.