Mr. Biscotti has officially left the building. Okay we all knew it probably wasn't going to end with sunshine and roses, but I suppose sometimes, we go against our better judgement and hope for the best. So when the little voice in my head was on overdrive telling me to smarten up, I ignored it, went to spin class and rode to music that sounded more like the devil's national anthem...all in an effort to drown it out. Now my little voice was speaking out and voting for equal opportunity with the rest of me.
It's been a while since I've been talking back to my little voice. I mean for quite a while it was soft spoken and simply a friendly reminder that eventually annoyed me. Now it was lashing back, forming a coalition with other little voices and slapping a petition for equal rights. It was tired of being pushed aside and now it wanted to be taken seriously and I was powerless to its fury.
Oh don't feel sorry for yourself now. I warned you about Biscotti. He would never have been ready for you.
The little voice was right. He wasn't. The friendship while strong, was difficult for me. I wanted to be closer but I knew it wouldn't have been right. We're different people with different missions in life. He wanted to dedicate himself to healing from a brutal past that haunted him daily and was in the desperate search to find answers. He needed to give to himself before he could give to anyone and wanted to eventually settle back in the country. I on the other hand, had dealt with the past, was looking ahead and was open to a relationship. Not to mention, you couldn't pay me to wear dirty overalls and shovel horse manure. I love the city with all my heart and soul...amen.
So after repeated attempts of giving more than I should have, neglecting my own responsibilities, and pushing myself aside, I held out hope that he would let me join him as his mate and support him through his healing journey.
I can't promise you anything Melissa. I'm too messed up and I need answers. I've lived my whole life detached from people and I need to learn how to attach to myself first before giving. I can't be with anyone right now...this isn't about you.
Depleting and draining me, I dragged myself home feeling sorry for myself and questioning who I was, if I was pretty, smart or witty enough. That maybe the problem laid with me.
How can you let anyone make you question your own self worth? This is about HIM. Not you. Are you listening to me Melissa??
The little voice was pissed.
Frustrated and feeling a little lonely, I teared up.
Go on my little princess, lick your wounds, go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day. Little voice still loves you despite the fact that you don't listen to me.
So after washing my face, brushing my teeth I walked right past the fridge quickly without the late night dark chocolate drop in and went right to bed. After all, I was on Project Skinny Jean and there would be no eating after 8pm.
In the morning little voice was right. Told you so. I felt better, with perspective I didn't have the day before. I was good enough and I was going to prove it. I was going to run and get my mojo going first thing. You're going to be late.
Little voice was right. This morning was no different than any other, and I was running behind - literally. Remebering that I did some prep work over the weekend and organized some snacks for the week ahead, I pulled out my tray of Sexy Green Breakfast Bars.
(photo above is just a piece of the goodness below...yum)
SEXY GREEN BREAKFAST BARS
2 cups steel cut oats
1 cup almond butter
1 cup chopped raw almonds
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/4 cup sunflower seeds
1/4 cup gogi berries
1/4 cup hemp hearts
1/2 cup honey or agave nectar
1/3 cup melted coconut oil (Garden of Life or Bali Sun are my favourites)
1 tbsp maca
1 tbsp Vitamineral Greens powder
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp cinammon
Freshly grated nutmeg
1/2 tsp sea salt
Combine dry ingredients first and then add the wet. Get in there with your hands and mix well and spread onto a parchment paper lined baking dish and cut into squares first. You have two options from here, you can either bake at a low 300, or you can refrigerate overnight for a raw food version. If you decide to bake them, allow them to cool for several hours to set. For the raw food version, once set, wrap individually in plastic wrap to make the grab and go easy. However, due to a lack of patience, I usually eat them right away and end up with a crumbly mess...yum.
When I made this recipe, I thought of Chakra bars that I love to get at the health food store. They taste practically identical except that I've used nuts, maca and honey instead of brown rice syrup. These take only about 15 minutes to prep and should be done over the weekend so that you have enough for the week as snacks or even as a grab and go breakfast. And given that I'm still on Project Skinny Jean, this is perfect to get in my greens for the day. While I mentioned that you should go gluten free, I find that the occasional oats and rye are fine. Especially oats that have been labelled, wheat free on their packages. The high amount of beta glucan for cholesterol and the fact that it gives us a little love into our heart meridian makes it worthwhile and truthfully, I could use a little love right now.
On the go with make up in hand and breakfast bars in hand, I was off. Driving down the highway, sipping on my thermos of Mate Chino that I picked up from the Tea Emporium and rotating to nibble on my bars, I began to think while stuck in traffic.
While Biscotti and I will never be in a relationship, maybe I just need to be grateful for what it is versus create something it isn't. We can't neglect ourselves to chance, even if it does involve love. So with clear boundaries that I've woken up to, I slowly step back...
[iPhone chimes with a text message]
Melissa, I care about you. I am right here if you need me. Right here! That will never change.
It was Biscotti. I knew deep down that he wasn't lying...he really was there for me. But I couldn't help to question my own role in this. Was I searching for another relationship in an effort to escape from myself again? Maybe there's too much I have to do and learn on my own before I can give to anyone...maybe I wasn't ready either. Afterall, those we attract are only a mirror to ourselves and this was quite the lesson. Establishing boundaries, I'll eventually be the kind of friend he needs, but for now need to concentrate on not forgetting to nourish and be the kind of friend to myself that I need.
Good girl Melissa...stay focused...you're getting there.
No comments:
Post a Comment